Humour

 

Give Donald Trump a Nobel prize

October 2017 – It is outrageous that the fake news media is not outraged that Donald Trump has been left empty handed at this year’s Nobel awards. This oversight must be rectified next year.

When you’re a collector… don’t give too much away

April 2017 – Collecting may seem like a harmless hobby but it allows others to gather a whole lot more about us than we let on or probably even know.

Sisi’s fridge and Egypt’s frosty economy

November 2016 – A gaffe by Egypt’s president about his refrigerator reveals just how much Egyptians have cooled towards Sisi and his chilling economics.

One man’s terrorist is another woman’s lover

March 2016 – The surreal “lovejacking” of an EgyptAir flight adds a new dimension to the western image of the Arab man: the hopeless romantic and dedicated lover.

Podcast: Egypt’s cartoon villains and heroes

February 2016 – The battle between Egyptian revolutionary and counterrevolutionary forces is being played out in caricature.

Egypt’s other Great Pyramid

January 2016 – The Mogamma, that high temple of Egyptian bureaucracy, will be shut down. Welcome as it is, this will not solve the underlying problem of “el-routine”.

In condemnation of “spiritual” atheism

December 2015 – Atheists do not “pray” and are not “spiritual”. I urge my fellow non-believers to halt the creeping spiritualisation of our creed.

The Islamic (re)conquista of the West

September 2015 – As a member of the advance guard sent out to plot the Islamisation of Europe, my mission is to pave the way for my migrant jihadi brothers and sisters.

Living in a selfie-centred world

March 2015 – The selfie fad has reached epidemic proportions, but we don’t live in more narcissistic times. Selfie-absorption is as old as civilisation itself.

4 and ½ reasons why listicles are cancerous

March 2015 – Though they may go viral, like viruses (or even journalistic cancer), listicles are bound to kill off their host eventually.

A successful caliphate in six simple steps

June 2014 – ISIS really doesn’t get what restoring the caliphate means. Here’s how in six simple steps, from Caliphornian wine to cultural melting pots.

‘If we go away… but if you stay’ – a duet by the Egyptian army and people

July 2013 – In a classic political duet, General Sisi sings ‘If we go away’, while the Egyptian people respond with ‘If you stay’.

فى الفلك: حوار ثوري مع جاليليو الصغير

 يونيو 2013 – تعالى أسألك سؤال مجننى، يا جاليليو. أزاى القانون يمنع الناخب اللى عليه أحكام أنه يمارس حقه ويدى المرشح اللى أدين فى قضايا أغتيال أوأرهاب الحق أنه يترشح

Ugly discrimination in the face of beauty

May 2013 – The curious case of Arab men reportedly deported for being “too handsome” demonstrates that the beautiful can also be the victims of discrimination.

Egypt’s women of mass destruction

February 2013 – Does a gaff about rural women’s breasts belie the belief among Egypt’s new Islamist leadership that women are the source of all society’s ills?

The hair that binds

January 2013 – Despite its bonding potential, a trip to the hairdresser’s can inflict trauma on soap-phobic pre-adolescent boys and their mullet-phobic fathers.

Is Facebook sinking or swimming?

June 2012 – Like an ocean predator, if Facebook is not moving forward, it is dying. So is this big fish drowning or can it continue to swim with the tide?

The scientific handbook of love

February 2012 – For the perplexed this Valentine’s, The Chronikler offers this “scientific” guide to winning hearts and getting high on the “drug” of love.

Papa’s got a secondhand car…

February 2012 – Is buying a secondhand car after nine months of contemplation akin to becoming a father or a lover?

The sacred right to ‘insult’

October 2011 – Jailing Egyptians for insulting religion and the military goes against the revolution’s spirit, and violates people’s secular and sacred rights.

‘Redheads under the bed’ as a substitute for good reporting

September 2011 – A story that redhead sperm is not welcome at a Danish spermbank has gone global, reflecting how good reporting is being crowded out of the media by ‘incredible free content’.

Confessions of a ‘self-hating Arab’

August 2011 – Only self-hating Arabs and Jews can save the Middle East from itself.

Lost in demonisation

July 2011 – Israelis and Arabs tend to believe that they share little in common. But in reality they are more alike than they like to admit.

Defiantly delusional

March 2011 – Muammar Gaddafi and Silvio Berlusconi have something in common: delusions of grandeur that keep them desperately holding on to the reins of power.

Diary of Dictator M, aged 82¾: fight, not flight

February 2011 – In the second leaked extract from his secret diaries, President M is enraged by what he sees as an unpresidented act of cowardice and treachery.

iPhony reality

February 2011 – We’re entering a world of augmented reality (AR) which might sound scary to rational-thinking grown-ups but perfectly natural to iPhone-savvy toddlers.

Diary of Dictator M, aged 82¾: a panicked call for Tunisia

February 2011 – In the first leaked extract from President M’s diaries, he calms an alarmed fellow dictator in Tunisia.

Just say moo

December 2010 – Animal rights activists are calling for global vegetarianism, but the Middle East is not ready to sacrifice its meat-eating lifestyle.

The Arab myth of Western women

November 2010 – Unflattering as some Western stereotypes are of Arab men, Western women also get a bad press in conservative Arab circles.

The Arab man’s burden

November 2010 – Some in the West are more likely to believe in elves in Middle Earth than in Arab men in the Middle East who are secular and do not oppress women.

Who wants to be a millionaire? I don’t (know)

October 2010 – Yes, it’s a famous Cole Porter song but an even better ambition for a fading socialist of the 1980s kind.

Why doesn’t God use Faithbook?

September 2010 – If God wants to reach out to humanity, why rely on prophets and scripture when he presumably has the power to connect with each of us directly?

An ode to Arab love songs

August 2010 – Love is a universal theme in music, but there are good reasons for the Arab world’s preoccupation with romance.

Overplaying Egyptomania

July 2010 – Egypt’s pavillion at the Shanghai Expo 2010 misses the mark of modernity and dwells excessively on the country’s ancient past.

Seeing the world through new tongues

June 2010 – Being monolingual can be limiting, so why not learn another language and get a new perspective on the world?

Trashy fascism

April 2010 – I spend so much time sorting my rubbish that I’m thinking of putting it on my CV as a skill or taking it up as a profession.

What a queer language

January 2010 – From ‘gay girls’ to ‘shagging flies’, the changing meaning of English words causes no end of confusion.

Beauty and the bleat

November 2009 – Are Saudi Arabian beauty shows for goats as weird and outlandish as they seem?

Beyoncé: saint or sinner?

November 2009 – As the singer prepares to visit Egypt, Christian and Muslim fundamentalists agree: Beyoncé is the root of all evil.

Dad’s demise?

October 2009 – Having kids is no longer the preserve of married couples, or couples full stop, it now seems. That’s all good and well, but does it mean dads will soon be surplus to requirements? No way!

Ambient stupidity?

October 2009 – Is technology designed to monitor and report on our every move a sign of ambient intelligence or stupidity?

Fatwa fads

September 2009 – From fashion tips to adult breastfeeding – rulings by some clerics range from the eccentric to the downright bizarre.

Swedish idiom and the sum of all cardamom

September 2009 – If I were to vanish into thin air, my Swedish in-laws would have a suitable expression for this.

Stilettos: career boosters for the down at heel?

September 2009 – Just because I want to wear high heels to work, that doesn’t make me a brainless bimbo.

Bugging the culinary operating system

September 2009 – Elevating food to celebrity status has turned the theory of motivation upside. It’s time to stick one up the foodies.

Do no haram

September 2009 – A new search engine claims to filter out ‘haram’ (sinful) content for the faithful. Should non-believers now demand their own version – let’s call it Godpile – that blocks religious content?

The Arab Republic of Investment

August 2009 – Egyptians should not be too harsh on poor Gamal Mubarak. He’s bound to become the president of the many entrepreneurs and professionals and not of the few who live on less than $2 per day.

That joke isn’t funny any more

August 2009 – What passes as a good joke in the office or at a party nowadays? Not much, it seems.

Poetry,  nonsense or what (not)?

July 2009 – Beauty, failure, enchantment, … you name the emotion and poetry’s got it. But this noble art is not for everyone. And it’s by no means easy to call yourself a poet.

Mind your thumbspeak

July 2009 – Deciphering hieroglyphs is much more fun than decoding the ‘thumbspeak’ of SMS texting.

Birth of a new order

July 2009 – A revolution is on the way and it’s going to change everything – in our house.

Faking the meaning of life

July 2009 – It’s bad enough, in the Friends era, being able to quote Ross Geller – the nerdy palaeontologist – but being fully versed in the McDreamy language of Grey’s Anatomy is a nauseating form of existentialism.

Misery is its own medicine

July 2009 – Being called a miserable sod might not be everyone’s moniker of choice, but  Shakespeare was on to something with his comment “The miserable hath no other medicine but only hope”.

Psion of things to come – technology’s curse

July 2009  – Christian Nielsen’s long-dead Psion Organiser is a constant reminder never to buy any technology that promises to help him remember things.

Losing the plot

July 2009- Wacky conspiracy theories cause damage by drawing attention away from the real plots being hatched by our governments.

Attack of the killer texts

March 2009 – Rumours of deadly SMS messages are symptoms of a worrying trend in Egypt – the unstoppable rise of superstition.

On a ring and a prayer

March 2009 – God now has a number. Sadly, it goes straight to voicemail, but I’ve got my messages ready. What about you?

Puppy love forever

January 2009 – The adult world shouldn’t dismiss childhood romances as cute follies – first loves can leave a lasting impression.

The great Santa controversy

December 2008 – It’s the Western world’s greatest childhood controversy: does Santa Claus exist? The answer is both comforting and disturbing to the children among us and within us.

The love laboratory

December 2008 – Can science make us more attractive and appealing? Let’s put it to the test.

Shock and awe on a shoestring

December 2008 – An Iraqi journalist expressed his contempt for President Bush in a manner familiar in the Arab world: by throwing his shoes.

What’s the difference between Obama and an Arab?

October 2008 – John McCain has furnished compelling proof that Barack Obama is not an Arab: the Democrat is a family man.

Ramadan for drinkers

September 2008 – With booze in short supply, the month of fasting can be a thirsty wait for some Muslims.

UnPrezidented

August 2008 – If Barack Obama were a pop star, he would be a jazz musician or a rapper, not a Britney Spears. And to prove it, BaRock should release an election rap, UnPrezidented.